谁有英语小笑话?
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天,有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村,在乡间路上开着车,想看看农庄是什么样子,也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上,手中抱着一头猪,并把它举得高高的,好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说,"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的,但是,这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说,"时间对猪有什么意义?"
1、英语笑话(一)
老师在黑板上写了一句:Time is money.并让同学们翻译。有名学生答道:“汤姆是玛丽。”
小明上英文课时跟老师说:May I go to the toilet?
老师说:Go ahead.
小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿,小明又跟老师说:May I go to the toilet?
老师说:Go ahead.
小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问:你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗?怎么不去?
小明说:你没听老师说「去你个头」啊!
2、英语笑话(二)
某日刘洪涛遇到外宾,上前搭话曰:I am hong tao liu,外宾曰:我TM还是方片七呢!
3、英语笑话(三)
江青会见外宾,要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻,不许走样。外宾一见到江青,立刻拍马屁道:"Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻,江青心花怒 放,嘴上还要谦虚一下:“哪里,哪里”。
翻译不敢怠慢,把江青的话翻成英文:"Where? Where?" 外宾一愣,还有这样的人,追问哪里漂亮的,干脆马屁拍到底:"Everywhere, everywhere."
翻译:“你到处都很漂亮。”江青更高兴了,但总是要客气一下:“不见得,不见得”。翻译赶紧翻成英文:"You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see."
4、英语笑话(四)
话说某年某月的某一天,叁个神箭手约在一起比箭,目标是十尺外仆人头上的苹果。A神箭手挽弓长射,咻一声,利箭正中苹果。A高傲的昂起下巴,比出一根大 拇指道:「I AM后羿!」
B神箭手照本宣科,射中苹果,这回他自大的喊了一句:「I AM丘比特!」
轮到C了,他也挽弓,利箭射出! 结果正中仆人的心脏。就听他结结巴巴好久才吐出一句:「I...I...I...AM...SORRY...」
5、英语笑话(五)
某人刻苦学习英语,终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞, 忙说:I am sorry.
老外应道:I am sorry too.
某人听后又道:I am sorry three.
老外不解,问:What are you sorry for?
某人无奈,道:I am sorry five.
6、英语笑话(六)
一位来自日本的旅客,坐出租车去机场的路上,看到一辆汽车经过,就说:“oh,TOyOTA!Made in Japan! It is very fast!”又有一辆经过,他又说: “oh,NISSAN!Made in Japan! It is very fast!”司机有点不高兴,觉得他太吵了!当第三辆经过时,他还是说:“oh,HONDA!Made in Japan! It is very fast!”
后来到了机场,那个日本人就问:“How Much?”出租车司机说:“1000!”
日本人惊奇的问司机:“为什么那么贵?”出租车司机回答说:“oh,mileometer(计 程表)!Made in Japan! It is very fast!”
7、英语笑话(七)
传说克林顿和教皇同一天去世,上帝搞错了,把克林顿送上了天堂,而把教皇送入了 地狱。发现错误后上帝马上改了回来,路上二人相遇。 精彩继续教皇:感谢上帝,我终于能见到圣母玛利亚了(Virgin Maria). 克林顿(坏笑中):Sorry,it"s too late.
8、英语笑话(八)
小强去看电影,到了电影售票处,发现一个老外和售票小姐连说带比得好半天,就自告奋勇的上前做翻译,售票小姐说:麻烦你告诉她,现在坐票售完了只剩下站票,如果要看要站着看。
小强转头就对老外说:no sit see, stand see. if see stand see.
老外回答说:Sorry I don’t understand your English.
小强就对售票小姐说:哦,他说他不懂英文....
踩了一个老外的脚,为了显示咱国家是有名的礼仪之邦,就先SORRY啦,老外更是礼貌有加,就来个sorry too.
two??the chinese puzzled.恩,咱中国人还不是得礼尚往来?!~那就I am sorry three~ 这下老外蒙了,一句what are you sorry for?
晕,还有完没完啊,还FOUR?!~哼,偶跟你卯上了,Iam sorry five~(who怕 who?!~)
9、英语笑话(九)
我朋友在南大看到一非洲老外:“hello,你妈是猴儿。”老外用纯正的天津话说:“你妈是大猩猩!”
10、英语笑话(十)
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother. "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?" "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。“是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?” “因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”
而帅位不稳,他决定用自己的方式来解决这个问题。
他把他的队员叫到一起,然后对他们说:
从现在开始,我们队中没有白人球员和黑人球员之分,
在我眼里只有绿人球员(队衣的颜色)。好了,现在
开始训练,浅绿色的队员站这边,深绿色的队员站那边,?!
秋天落叶
夫妇俩人一起去参观美术展览,当他们面对一张仅以几片
树叶遮掩羞部的裸体女像油画时,丈夫立刻张口失神地盯着
那幅画,呆上半晌仍不想走开。妻子狠狠地揪住丈夫,吼道:
“喂!你是想站到秋天,树叶落下才甘心吗?”
微软笑话
海滨浴场上,许多妙龄少女穿着微软的广告衫信步漫游。
只见广告衫的胸前印着“pentium inside"(奔腾的心),
短裤上印着“plus and play "(即插即用)。
回家之路
警察看见一个醉鬼摸着一个大木桶的边在绕圈子,
便说:“你怎么啦?”
“没事!我回家,这木头围栏的尽头就是我的家。”
挖洞
一个罪犯的妻子要求狱吏能给她丈夫一份稍微轻松些
的工作。
“他抱怨说他近来一直觉得很劳累。”她解释道。
“但是,他白天什么活也没干啊。”狱吏回答道。
“这我不知道,单他对我说他连续几个晚上都在掘一个墙洞呢。”
守法司机
交通警察看到一个司机在大街上吃力的推着汽车,就走过去问:“先生,是不是出了什么故障或者是没汽油了?”
“哦,不是这样的,只是因为刚才我发现忘记带驾驶执照了。”
宁死不招
加州的一个小镇发生了一宗银行抢案,抢匪才刚刚把钱藏好,就被警长逮捕了。由於抢匪是从太平洋的那一边偷渡过来的,又不会讲英文,警长只好去请麦克阿$来当翻译。
经过一阵疲劳轰炸式的拷问,抢匪坚持不肯说出钱藏在那里。没办法,警长只好扮起黑脸,咆哮地叫麦克阿$告诉抢匪:“再不说,把他毙了!”麦克阿$忠实地把警长的意思传达出去。大概翻译得太好了,抢匪吓得语无伦次:“钱在镇中央的井里,求你叫他饶我一命。”
麦克阿$转过头来,神情凝重地告诉警长:“这小子有种,宁死不招。他叫你毙了他吧。”
另有说法
美国警方在确认嫌疑犯是否是犯罪时,常常让目击者进行一种例行的认人手续。警方为了使证人能够辨认出嫌疑犯的口音,规定每个被指认的嫌疑犯,都要说一句同样的话:“把所有的钱交出来,我需要一些零钱。”
一天,在美国某警察局,第一个和第二个嫌疑犯在这一程序中都按照警方的要求说了,到第三个嫌疑犯时他竟脱口而出:“我当时不是这么说的!”
谁是笨蛋
某天有两个有钱人在乡村俱乐部里闲话家常。其中一人对另一个人说:“嘿,我告诉你我的司机实在很笨,你不认为吗?你看看就知道。”他把他的司机吉米叫过来对他说:“这里有十元,到汽车展示区去给我买一辆Mercedes回来。”
吉米回答,“是,先生,我马上就去。”就跑去汽车展示区了。
有钱人对着他的朋友说:“看,我告诉你他很笨吧!”而另一个有钱人说:“那没什么,你要看笨蛋,我就给你看笨蛋。”
接着,他就叫他的司机比利过来,“比利,回家去看看我在不在家。”
而比利回答,“是,先生,我马上就去。”就跑回家了。
“看到了吧,他甚至不用脑子想想如果我在这里又怎么可能会在家呢!”
稍后,两个司机在街上相遇。吉米对比利说,“耶,你知道吗我老板实在是太笨了,他竟然给我10
元叫我去汽车展示区买一辆Mercedes给他,他不知道今天是星期日吗?汽车展示区根本没开!
比利回答,“你认为他笨吗?我老板比他笨多了!他竟然叫我回家看他有没有在家,他有行动电话,不
是吗,他不会自己打啊!!!”
不必担心
在游泳池旁,一个小孩问他妈妈,“妈咪,妈咪,我可不可以下去游泳?”
“亲爱的,当然不可以,水太深了。”
“可是爸爸不是在游泳吗?”
“你爸爸在保险啊,甜心。”
冰箱
一个马戏团大力士有个漂亮老婆,但他猜疑心很重。某人他认为老婆欺骗他,和别人勾搭。匆忙赶加家,他跑上四楼公寓,冲入卧室中,发现他老婆正忙着穿衣和整理凌乱的头发。床头旁两杯马丁尼酒杯和烟灰缸装
两支仍点燃的香烟更让他深信不疑。他开始在公寓的每个角落找他太太的情夫。
刚进入厨房他瞥见有个男人一边穿衣服,一边冲下街去,大力士顺手抓了最近的一样东西,不巧的是那样东西正好是个电冰箱。他把冰箱由窗口砸下去,当场砸死了那个年轻人,可是他承受不了这样的打击心脏病发而死。第二天,有三个人在珍珠门前接受圣彼德审问。圣彼德问第一个人他是如何死亡的。“我来不及赴一个约会,赶着出门,突然有台冰箱砸在我头上。”“你呢?”圣彼德问那大力士。“大人,我正举起那台冰箱...”“够了,不用说了!”侍卫严厉斥责打断大力士的话“你老兄呢?”“圣彼德,”第三人答道:“我正躲在那个冰箱里面。”
我们干吧
美国太空总署正与将送往金星的人才面试。只有一个人能去而且可能无法再回地球了。
第一个应征者,一位工程师,被询问想得到多少报酬。“一百万”,他回答,“我要把钱捐给我的母校。”
下一个应征者,一位医生,也被问了同一个问题,他的要求是2百万。“我要留一百万给我的家人,一百万则作为医学上的研究基金。”
当第三个应征者被问到想要多少报酬时(一位英文老师),他小声的在面试者的耳边说,“三百万。”
“为什么比其他人多了这么多呢?”面试者问。这名教师回答,“如果你给我三百万,我给你一百万,自己留一百万,我们可以把工程师送到金星去。”
酒鬼聊天
两个爱尔兰人坐在一个酒吧间里喝酒。
其中一人问另外一个:”你是哪儿的人?”
另一个回答:”我目前在此地,都柏林,不过我生在科克郡。”
”不是开玩笑吧?我生在科克郡,
现在也在都柏林....咱们再来一杯吧!
你生在科克郡什么地方?”
另外一个答道:”我生在我妈的房子里,
门前有一条小河从萨克村南边流过。”
”上帝保佑”第一个人叫道:”你能相信吗?我也生在我妈的房子里,
也离萨克村不远。为了咱们的亲近,来,我们再干一杯。
那么你是在哪个学校上学呢?”
”我上学是在镇上的圣母受难学校。”另一个答道。
这时第一个人已经兴奋得不能自己,他大声叫了起来:”天啊,
太不可思议了,我也是在那家学校上的学,这个世界真是太小了。
老板,再给我们每个人来上一杯。”
这时,酒吧里的电话铃响了,老板接电话:”克兰酒吧....
噢,今天晚上没有什么新鲜事,就是奥哈拉家的那对双胞胎又喝多了。”
同病相怜
有二位美国中年人在纽约一小巷碰头
二个人都是迤着左脚一拐一拐慢慢走向前。
当他们面对面时,第一个中年人??着第二个中年人
看看他的左脚,然后用一种同病相怜的脸神,
指着他自己 的左脚,长憾道:『朋友,越南,一九六九。』
第二个中年人举起右手指向身后答道:『朋友,香蕉皮, 后面二十尺!』
发明
意大利人对犹太人说:“我们在古罗马的底下发现了电缆,说明了我们祖先就发明
了电话通迅。”
犹太人:“那你知道在耶路撒冷发现了什么吗?”
意大利人:“什么?”犹太人:“什么也没发现。”
意大利人:“啊!?”犹太人:“那说明了我们的祖先已经发明了无线电。”
窃听
一夫妻下榻水门饭店. 晚间入睡前, MM忽想起一事, 夫君: 这里是水门饭店耶,
要是房间里 有窃听器... 俺俩的话会被外人听到的, 那多不好意思呀! 先生马
上领会精神四处寻找, 终 于在床下找到一按键大小的金属物于是用力拧下扔掉.
次日, 服务生送早餐. 二位昨晚休息的好吗? 很好,俺们喜欢这里的一切. 那就
好, 唉,你们楼下的那对可真倒霉, 听说昨晚天花板上的吊灯掉了...
在下面
士兵狄克提着一瓶酒回宿营地时,不巧碰上了严厉的连长。他只好撒谎说:
“这瓶酒是我和上校合买的。一半属于上校。” 连长申斥道:“把另一半
给我倒掉!” 狄克慢腾腾地说:“没法倒。我的一半在下边。”
笨贼一箩筐
肯德基∶有两个人把铁链绑在自动提款机的前面令一端绑著拖车的保险杆想把
提款机的壳扯掉。结果扯掉的不是提款机的外壳,反而是拖车的保险杆。非常
惶恐的,他们开著拖车逃离现场。而链子还著提款机。保险杆还绑著链子,车
子的牌照还挂在保险杆上。 一个人到药房去,拿出枪,宣称抢劫,然后拿出了
一个大袋子套在 头上--然后他发现他忘了在袋子上打眼睛的洞了。 警察问一
个被当场抓住的小偷:“为什么你偏要到这家商店偷东西?” 小偷回答说:
“因为这家商店离我的住处很近。你知道,目前社会上非常乱, 我不敢过久地
离开自己的家。”
猜硬币
罗克对朋友说:“我真不知道医院是怎么回事。我住进医院后,一个医生说我是
阑尾炎, 另一个却说我是胆结石。” “结果怎样?”朋友问。 “他们争论不休,
互不相让。结果猜硬币裁决,最后割了我的扁桃腺。”
耳光付账
摩洛科在饭店里吃了一顿美味的午饭,需付一卢布,可他连一个
戈比也没有,于是他问店老板:“请告诉我,在此地,如果有人打了
别人的一记耳光,官司打到法院,他会被罚多少钱?”
“我想,五个卢布吧!”
“好吧,”摩洛科说,“请您打我一记耳光,再给我剩下的四卢
布找头吧!”
忏悔
某人(到教堂〕:神父,我。。。我有罪。。。
神父:说吧,我的孩子,有什么事?
某人:二站时,我藏起了一个被纳粹追捕的犹太人。。。
神父:这是好事啊,为什么你觉得有罪呢?
某人:我把他藏在我家的地下室里。。。而且。。。而且,我
让他每天交我1500法郎租金。。。
神父:你就为这事忏悔?那。。。
某人:但是,我。。。我直到现在还没告诉他二战已经结束了!
腰带
越战时期 ,河内物资奇缺 ,向苏联求救 。
苏联电 :勒紧腰带 。
河内回电 :请给腰带 。
新命名法
有一天,一个印地安小孩问他爸爸说:"dad,我的名字怎麽来的?"父亲
回答说:"我们族人命名都是以小孩子刚出生时,父亲看到的第一见事物来
命名的"像你哥哥,他刚出生时,我一出门就见到了青山,所以他叫Blue-mountain
像你姊姊,她刚出生时,我一出门就见到鸟在飞,所以他叫Bird-flying.这就是
我们族人命名的方式.
父亲顿了一下,然后回过头说:"对了,Dog-fucking,你刚刚问我什麽问题?"
可以吻我
到了家门口,杰西卡提醒她新结识的男朋友:“你现在可以吻我,但是随后
我得打你一个耳光,因为我爸爸正在窗口看着我们。”
结帐
一位顾客慢条斯里的在餐厅中用餐,然后他吃水果,抽香烟。 当侍者把帐
单送上时,他摸了摸囗袋,假装惊慌失措的说: 「糟糕,我的钱包不见了。」
侍者面无表情的问:「真的吗?」於是,他把这个男人带到门 囗,大声命
令他:「蹲下。」然后用力一脚,把他踢到门外。 这时,坐在另一张桌上
的一个顾客,自动的走到门囗,同样的 蹲下来,然后回头对侍者说:结帐。」
Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了?”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Nest and Hair
My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
Notes:
(1) inform v.告诉
(2) nest n.窝;巢
(3) description n.描述
(4) encourage v.鼓励
(5) resemble v. 相似;类似
18.鸟窝与头发
我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
“是什么鸟呢?”我姐姐问她。
“我没看到鸟儿,老师,只看到鸟窝。”那孩子回答说。
“那么,你能给我们描述一下这个鸟巢吗?”我姐姐鼓励她道。
“哦,老师,就像你的头发一样。”
I've Just Bitten My Tongue
"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
Notes:
(1) poisonous adj.有毒的
(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。
我刚咬破自己的舌头
“我们有毒吗?”一个年幼的蛇问它的母亲。
“是的,亲爱的,”她回答说,“你问这个干什么?”
“因为我刚刚咬破自己的舌头。”
A Woman Who Fell
It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"
摔倒的女人
上下班高峰期,我匆匆奔向纽约豪华中心站去赶一趟火车。接近门口,一位肥胖的中年妇女从后面冲过来,没想到在平滑的大理石地面上失了脚,仰面滑倒了。她的惯性使她接近了我的脚。我正准备扶她,她却自己爬了起来。她镇定了一下,对我挤了一下眉,说道:“总是有漂亮女人拜倒在你脚下吗?”
英语笑话(一)
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧?
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的;而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因为snail(蜗牛)的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢?
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者(sleepwalker)梦游(walk in his sleep)呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了。
英语笑话(二)
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?
-- 墓地守墓人。
英语笑话(三)
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的。”
英语笑话(四)my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人:哦,
亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!
史密斯夫人:可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!
布朗夫人:没有用的,我的小狗不认识字。”
英语笑话(五)Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员,
这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧。
英语笑话(六)The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。
英语笑话(七)Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年轻者”
这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话,
千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西,抬东西或者装东西时,他们就叫喊,“让小的干吧。”
英语笑话(八)Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人?
一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物,回来后发现车身沾满灰尘,于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊:“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
我丈夫抬头看了看,说:“妈妈来了?”
英语笑话(九)The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
医生住在楼下
“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。
“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量打量她,然后大声说:“太太,我有三件事要对你说。第一,您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二,如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红,您的美貌将会改变。第三,我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”
英语笑话(十)One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
只剩一个引擎
一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时,喇叭里传来了机长的声音:“旅客们请注意,我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿,旅客们又听到机长的声音:“各位,你们猜怎么啦?我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞,但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时,一位乘客非常气愤地说:“看在上帝的份上,如果我们再掉一个引擎,我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”
Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?
A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.
猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢?你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢,那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤,而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧?
Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?
A: By treading on his corn?
如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物,他肯定会生气的;而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼,他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”,也有“鸡眼”的意思。
Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?
A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.
因为snail(蜗牛)的后背上总是背着一所房子,所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢?
Q: What do people do in a clock factory?
A: They make faces all day.
一看到make faces这个短语,你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀!因为除了这个意思以外,它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。
Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?
A: Keep him awake.
怎样才能不让梦游者(sleepwalker)梦游(walk in his sleep)呢?最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法,但如果让梦游者醒着呢,他的确就不会去梦游了。
英语笑话(二)
He is really somebody
-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.
他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?
-- 墓地守墓人。
英语笑话(三)
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久,到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台,银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票,看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦,最后实在忍耐不住说:“相信我,先生,也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元,它们是从美国直接带来的。”
英语笑话(四)my little dog can't read
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.
我的狗不识字
布朗夫人:哦,
亲爱的,我把珍爱的小狗给丢了!
史密斯夫人:可是你该在报纸上登广告啊!
布朗夫人:没有用的,我的小狗不认识字。”
英语笑话(五)Bring me the winner
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.
给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员,
这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起,先生,这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦, 那给我那个打赢的吧。
英语笑话(六)The mean man's party.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说:“你上到五楼,找中间那个门,然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后,再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢?”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪,你总不会空着手来吧?”吝啬鬼回答。
英语笑话(七)Advice for "Kid"
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."
忠告“年轻者”
这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话,
千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西,抬东西或者装东西时,他们就叫喊,“让小的干吧。”
英语笑话(八)Which woman?
One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"
哪一位女人?
一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物,回来后发现车身沾满灰尘,于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊:“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
我丈夫抬头看了看,说:“妈妈来了?”
英语笑话(九)The doctor lives downstairs
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
医生住在楼下
“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。
“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量打量她,然后大声说:“太太,我有三件事要对你说。第一,您的体重需要减少大约50磅;第二,如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红,您的美貌将会改变。第三,我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”
英语笑话(十)One Engine Left
A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"
只剩一个引擎
一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时,喇叭里传来了机长的声音:“旅客们请注意,我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿,旅客们又听到机长的声音:“各位,你们猜怎么啦 ?我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞,但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时,一位乘客非常气愤地说:“看在上帝的份上,如果我们再掉一个引擎,我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。
1,Two birls
Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?
Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.
Teacher: Please tell us.
Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.
两只鸟
老师: 这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗?
学生:我指不出,但我知道答案。
老师:请说说看。
学生:燕子旁边的就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子。
2. The Fish Net
"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"
"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.
鱼网
"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗,安?" 老师发问道。
"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。
3. The New Teacher
George comes from school on the first of September.
"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.
"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."
新老师
9月1日, 乔治放学回到家里。
"乔治,你喜欢你们的新老师吗?" 妈妈问。
"妈妈,我不喜欢,因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"
4. A physics Examination
Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.
The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?
Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.
一次物理考试
在一次物理考试时,当同学们都还在苦思冥想时,尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。
这个问题是:为什么在打雷时,我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声?
尼克的回答是:因为眼睛在前,耳朵在后。
10.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'
'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.
玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟,一天对他抱怨说:“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”
“不用担心,亲爱的,所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。
答:以下是几个简单而有趣的英语小笑话,附带中文翻译:1. 座位对话:男孩问女孩:“这个座位是空的吗?”女孩回答:“是的,如果你坐下,我的座位也会空出来。”(Girl: Yes, and if you sit, my seat will be empty too.)2. 饮料提议:男孩邀请女孩:“我可以为你买杯饮料吗?”女孩机智地回应...
答:you most like eating school frontdoor that young bread `I as soon as order put to inside yours sock! Remembered eatsKazak Room friend: ...更多英语笑话推荐:简单英语幽默笑话带翻译 带翻译是简短英语笑话大全 中国式英语笑话 英语口语小笑话 2014最新最经典英语笑话集锦 ;
答:1.Who's More Polite?A fat man and a skinny man were arguing about who was the more polite. The skinny man said he was more polite because he always tipped his hat to ladies. But the fat man knew he was more courteous because, whenever he got up and offered his seat, ...
答:英语笑话四:The Fish Net Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?“你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗,安?” 老师发问道。A lot of little holes tied together with strings. replied the little girl.“把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。”小女孩回答道。英语...
答:汤姆:约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗?约翰尼:他害病卧床了。他受了伤。汤姆:真糟糕,怎么回事儿?约翰尼:我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了。I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?""A kid bit me," replied Ivan....
答:我没有劝阻,只是简单地回了信:“给我寄一张你纹旁的照片来,然后我也在我的'胸前仿纹一个。”We have been married for 51 years. Neither of us has a tattoo.我们现在已结婚51年了,谁也没纹过身。非常短的英语小笑话(二) 关心 A customer at my teller's window was gru...
答:一个老师在对学生们讲心理学,“谁认为自己蠢就站起来?”她一开始就说。小约翰尼站了起来。“你认为你很蠢吗,小约翰尼?”老师问。“不是的,老师,我只是不喜欢看你一个人站着。”又短又好笑的英语笑话四:I knew I could count on you! Smith goes to s...
答:有哪一些有趣的英文小笑话? 我来答 1个回答 #热议# 历史上日本哪些首相被刺杀身亡?顾唯我 今天10:11 · TA获得超过2.2万个赞 知道大有可为答主 回答量:4582 采纳率:87% 帮助的人:532万 我也去答题访问个人页 关注 展开全部 1.校长和英语老师一起去法国某中学访问,校长在礼堂讲话,英语...
答:英语小笑话小学 笑话会给人突然之间笑神来了的奇妙感觉的特点,那大家知道有哪些笑话呢?本文是我为大家收集整理的英语小笑话小学,欢迎参考借鉴。英语小笑话小学一 Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?Tom: Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go Slow" ....
答:英语小笑话(很短的)如下:1、Boy: Is this seat empty? Girl: Yes and this one will be if you sit down. 男孩:这个座位是空的么? 女孩:是的,如果你坐下,我的座位...